A Spill to Rival the Gulf Coast | The Atlantic Wire.

It’s true…

The recent eruption of Eyjafjallajokull, the massive volcano in Iceland, has caused major disruptions all across Europe, with airport ramifications as far away as LAX. Despite the negative impact of a massive new cloud of ash over Europe, there have been some pretty astounding pictures over the last several days.

Despite that, nothing has been made over the numerous sightings of bizarre objects in the ash clouds. Here are some of the more obvious ones that I’ve found.

Rush Limbaugh

Despite his own claims, Obama isn’t responsible for the eruption. He is.

A Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick

Eyjafjallajokull didn’t erupt because of an increase in geothermal pressure and build-up in liquid-hot magma. It erupted because Chuck Norris whispered sweet nothings into its ear.

Kesha… Ke$sha? Kecashha?

This may explain the stench of Cheetos and garbage in the air.

Bearsharktopus

Early Norse settlers worshiped a god named Loki, who often took the form of a Bearsharktopus. Perhaps it’s appearance in ash clouds is more common than we had previous suspected.

John Locke

This explains EVERYTHING. Spoiler Alert.

Philips Cinema has been releasing some pretty interesting short films in some sort of project space they are calling ‘Parallel Lines’. I just finished watching one called The Gift. which I think deserves your attention below.

The only issue with it is that it is embedded in a fact Philips TV, the kind that displays colored light behind it, so the picture is reduced. However, this is great marketing, as you can really see what the lights-behind-the-tv is all about.

I suggest you go full-screen and as high-quality you can.

Original can be found on YouTube.

Yeah, you heard that right. These aren’t regular raptors. These raptors are the real deal.

That is all.

Just when they had escape the clutches of Q…

With apologies to Tiger, Deanna, and Picard.

I’ve recently spent a lot of time reviewing a bunch of infographics on the internet. As a result, I thought I should contribute to the new trend with my own infographic. It’s chock-full of good information, legitimate and factual sources, and amazing but revealing charts.

Click the thumbnail below to launch the infographic to view the full size. Enjoy.

Aren’t infographics wonderful? Thankfully I read Digg.com, so I am able to see about 10 infographics a day.

According to various news sites the new “The Empire Strikes Back 2010 Mega-3D” will be an ‘edgier, more hip and relevant movie, featuring state of the art Avatar-like 3D technology.’

Apparently the cast of bounty hunters as been ‘updated in accordance with our audience’s new tastes.’

“Damnation Alley” is a science fiction classic that has yet to make a DVD release. I use the term ‘classic’ loosely, as it is really more of a science fiction ‘cult’ classic. Produced in 1977, a year forever marked as the debut of “Star Wars”, it’s special effects are both terrible and cheesy. Fortunately, his style of special effects has come to be a cherished hallmark of cult science fiction.

The studio responsible for this movie, 20th Century Fox, was producing two science fiction movies in ‘77. They had high expectation for the big budget “Damnation Alley” and expected their other title to flop. The other movie of course was Star Wars, which went on to become one of the most successful movies of all time. There are plenty of interesting trivia bits about Damnation Alley on IMDB.

“Damnation Alley” was directed by Jack Smight and stars George Peppard and Jan-Michael Vincent. It was bizarre to see Peppard in such a silly movie, but Vincent seemed right at home. The legendary Paul Winfield and a very young Jackie Earle Haley also star.

The movie is based on a book of the same name by Roger Zelazny. Zelazny was reportedly very unhappy with the end product of the movie. Not only was it a significant departure from the book, but it also fell flat as a movie translation.

"Check out my ride!" -Idiotic Landmaster Driver

And now, on to the breakdown of “Damnation Alley”.

The movie opens on a remote desert base in the United States, in which military personnel are hard at work like busy little bees. While the introductory credits roll, we see military officers interacting with each other over antique computer monitors while big screens in the background give monochrome views of the Earth from orbit. The movie takes shape as two officers enter a sergeant’s office, who is also a talented artist, to arm their guns and set off on some undetermined task. The men, Tanner and Denton, relieve two other offices as they take over their stations in a room full of mainframe computers with blinking lights and monitors. Then, it happens.

Other officers, presumably in the same complex, see warnings and red dots superimposed over the United States on their screens. “It appears to be a satellite entry. Probably a burnout”.

War Games

Our two protagonists, Tanner and Denton, begin to “arm all missiles” in response to what at this point we must assume is a massive nuclear attack on the United States. As the two missile controllers enter their retaliatory commands, we learn that the missiles appear to be inbound toward all major US cities. 8 minutes into the movie we see several large scale missiles departing their underground bunkers in United States locales as they travel outward to stop the incoming missile swam.

Only 40% of the missiles are destroyed in the counter attack. “Missile strikes are confirmed in Boston, Philedelphia, Washington DC, Pittsburgh, Detroit…”. The United States has suffered a nuclear attack. The main voice engineer continues, “Seattle, Portland, Charlotte, Denver, St. Louis…”, the destroyed cities continue to pile up.

At the 13 minute mark the movie fades to black, only to zoom in on from outer space onto a desolate and brown earth. The sky is orange and hazy. We later find out it is 2 years in the future.

The tone of the movie instantly changes as scenes of barren and arrid landscapes are shown from great distances.

Text is shown as the background cycles through the now devoid-of-life landscapes. “The Third World War left the planet shrouded in a pall of radioactive dust, under skies lurid and angry, in a climate gone insane.”

The narrative continues, “Tilted on its axis as a result of the nuclear holocaust, the Earth lived through a reign of terror, with storms and floods of unprecedented terror.”

“When this epoch began to wind down, the remnants of life once more venture forth to commence the struggle for survivial and dominance. This is the story of some of them.” Right. Just some of them.

Post-Apocalyptic Sand Dune Wheelie

As a dirt biker drives towards a remort manned desert base, a gigantic scorpion begins to track them. Now I’m excited. Gigantic scorpions AND dirt bikes! The biker, carrying an unknown passenger, begins to ride towards the desert outpost while weaving through the giant scorpions.

He ultimately ditches his female companion in an effort to get to the base without being stung. Despite being radioed from the base via walkie-talkie to save the abandoned passenger, the unnamed man continues riding through the sand dunes kicking the giant scorpions away from his dirt bike.

Scorpion Fight

A man in a cowboy hat, the artist from before, watches from a high vantage point on the desert base as the the dirt biker arrives without the girl. He takes aim and fires several warning shots around the bike, “You sonova!”.

The dirt biker replies, “What are you worried about Keegan, there ain’t nothing you can do for her!” Keegan looks in a nearby telescope to see a terribly manufactured doll being stung repeatedly by the giant scorpions. It was all for naught!

Vroom Vroom

As the two men get reacquainted while drinking liquor Deadwood style, straight out of a bottle, we learn that dirt biker was returning from a distant trip and picked up the female dummy for companionship. Boy, despite dirt bikes and giant scorpions, the future sure is bleak.

Somewhere else in the base a man, Haskins, rushes in to a room with some files. After a strange fight with a coworker dressed in uniform, we learn that time is valued, “That’s my 20 minutes!”. A few minutes later a terrible accident happens with a cigarette lights extremely flammable gas and the main building explodes. Up to this point we still don’t know what the base is, who is running it, or what the outside world is truly like.

2 days later, with the smell of smoke still fresh, the dirt bike rider, Keegan, and the man in the cowboy hat, Tanner, watch as 2 massive vehicles exit from part of the side buildings of the base. The men are invited by the two drivers to join their convoy of Landmasters as they set out to leave the base for some unknown destination.

Who wants Kool Aid?

Frankly, Landmasters are awesome. They highlight of the movie. As the landmasters drive on we learn that the group is headed for Albany. In order to get to Albany though they have to cross through Damnation Alley… a formation named by one of the characters himself. Landmasters can handle a 60′ incline, operate underwater, have a speed of 60 miles an hour… and guzzle gas.

As the landmasters continue through Damnation Alley they come upon a massive storm with several tornadoes spinning off of it. The lead landmaster buckles down to brace for the storm but it is ultimately tossed around like a tin can. When the second landmaster makes it through the storm without problem, they are unable to make communication with the lead landmaster. They soon find the wrecked Landmaster and find that the driver, Perry, is dead. Keegan however is still okay. A confrontation takes place between the three men as Tanner and the leader of the expedition argue over Keegan’s correct decision to drive through the storm instead of stopping, despite being ordered otherwise.

Las Vegas Succumbs to the Desert

When the Landmaster comes upon Las Vegas only the tops of buildings are visible out of the sand dunes. The men choose to depart from their Landmaster to explore a casino. Everything is in ruin with dust and sand coating every surface. Cards are left behind in a hurry, so the attack must have vaporized everyone pretty quickly. The men begin playing all the slot machines in the casino that they can.

As they rush around to find coins, quickly depositing them in the machines, the sound of a crowd begins to rumble. As the sound builds to a peak, the men are surprised to see a woman in a dress standing on the balcony looking down at them, equally shocked. After hugs and celebrations at finding a survivor, the woman tells her oh-so-boring tale of being lucky enough to survive.

What would they even use the money for?

After travelling to Vegas to pursue a career in singing, the bombs came. We don’t really learn how exactly she survived, but only that others around her slowly died out. She sets off with the three men as they continue their journey.

They encounter rainstorms and minor troubles and then stop in a quaint little town. Cockroaches have survived and they are out in full force. Keegan sees the bones of 2 year dead humans and questions how they are so polished and smooth. As he tries to crush a cockroach he comes to discover that it is… armor plated!

Armor Plated Cockroaches!

Tanner and the girl ride around town on Tanner’s dirt bike. As they enter a building full of mannequins the cockroaches begin to attack. They are swarming everywhere around both groups, even drawing blood by biting Keegan’s flesh! Keegan rushes to a car to lock himself inside but the cockroaches break through. Denton, the team leader, rushes to the Landmaster to try to save Keegan. Unfortunately it is too late and so Denton sets off to find Tanner and the girl, Gloria. It is then when one of the greatest lines of the movie is uttered over a walkie talkie.

“Tanner, this is Denton. This whole town is infected with killer cockroaches. Repeat. Killer cockroaches!”

Best. Line. Ever.

After narrowly escaping the cockroach infested town the team comes upon a shack with a lone boy living in it. The boy pelts the crew with rocks, only to end up running away. The men chase the boy down and attempt to make friends. We find out that his parents died and he has been on his own for 4 moons. Of course we would start using moons to track time. Days are so pre-World War 3.

Chasing Down Rorsach

The boy (Jackie Earle Haley) brings a new dynamic to the group in his youthful exuberance. He wants to learn how to ride a bike and to driven and the mean seem eager to teach him. No signs of extreme right wing violence quite yet though.

At the next town that they stop off at, the team comes across a group of haggardly robbers and cowboys, all of which are long-haired, emaciated, and wounded. Clearly these men have seen the worst of the fallout. They demand that Denton and Tanner take them out to “that perty machine out there” to show them how to operate it. It appears as though the men are going to steal their one and only Landmaster. After a little bit of trickery on the heroes part, they manage to kill some of the robbers with guns and missiles and set off about their way to Albany.

Beardy McBearderson

In Detroit the crew stops off to try to salvage some car parts for repairs to their vehicle. While the operation is underway a sand storm threatens their mission. But they’ve come so far! Not to fear, they manage to escape the storm and then begin riding through a huge lake. This Landmaster is also a Lakemaster! They cross the lake into an area with grass and trees, the first we have seen of the movie, and they set up camp.  Their radio, which has only played static up to this point, begins to play music… and then a woman’s voice announces a 2 minute pause for incoming transmissions. After celebrating the discovery of life in Albany they crew radios in that they are alive and coming to town.

Tanner and the boy hop on the bike to head in to town for a pizza and a beer. Yup, pizza and a beer. Nothing says pizza and a beer like driving across the post-apocalyptic country in a landmaster after World War 3. The duo drive into town and a huge crowd begins to assemble to welcome the newcomers as the credits roll. Safe harbor at last!

Landmaster - Into the Sunset

So how exactly did Albany survive this nuclear holocaust without a scratch? This group of people just drove across the country and all we saw were barren landscapes and rundown towns! Albany however has become some sort of heaven on earth, a veritable garden of Eden in an apocalyptic wasteland.

What a bizarre movie. The effects were bad, the sky was constantly changing colors, and the plot was downright silly. It’s really interesting to me that Fox thought this was going to outperform Star Wars.

As I mentioned earlier, there is no DVD release of this film. However, you can still watch it through Amazon Demand and Veoh. Read more about “Damnation Alley” on Wikipedia and IMDB.

Check this out! The Hangover 2 is going to be in 3D! This is what I have been dreaming about ever since I saw Avatar. I left the theater thinking… I NEED TO SEE GALIFINAKIS’ BEARD in 3D! IN ALL ITS CRUSTY, THREE DIMENSIONAL GLORY!!! I am so relieved about this. I have been worried that they were going to make a huge mistake with an old-school 2D release. Why not just shoot it in black and white!

Now that I will get to see jiggly half-naked men racing towards me on the big screen, there are some other requests I’d like to make to the movie studios that I think would really enhance my movie going experience. Executive producers, theater owners, and James Cameron… take out your moleskine notepad and get ready to rock.

SMELLS LIKE TEEN FILM SPIRIT

You know how when you go to a theme park and get in one of those super fancy theaters that spray overpowering smells in your face? Why can’t I get that in my local Cinemark 14? Orama 4-D is the type of theater I have been DREAMING about every since that unfortunate incident at that “Fraggle Rock: The Movie” screening at the 3D Mega-Omniplex back in the day. Instead of smelling 3 year old baby poo, I could’ve been smelling the robot-like productivity of the Doozers digging through rock like it was so much butter!

Sniff the DOOZERS

If there is one thing that I wish I could change about The Hangover Part 1 (I’m hoping of a Quadriligy… right? RIGHT!?) it’s that I couldn’t tell exactly how that hotel room smelled the morning after their big night out. There was even a tiger there, that was so crazy!

ALCOHOLIC SEA SPRAY

If you really want to get The Hangover experience in theaters you have to sneak in a flask (OR FOUR) and guzzle down as much booze as you can every time there is a drink on screen. There’s nothing better than watching a movie about hangovers than walking out of that same movie with a hangover! Instead of having to sneak my booze into the theater why can’t they just spray alcohol at my face with giant Pacific Theatres© Liquor Sprinklers™?

Scotchy Scotch Scotch

The only problem with this is that kids under 21 will not be allowed in the theater. I have a solution though! Let’s change the under age drinking policy to EXCLUDE Pacific Theatres© Liquor Hose Sprinklers™ enabled theaters! I’m sure Nancy Pelosi can put that together and push it through the congress house-thing without any problems. Every time that suave hunk Bradley Cooper takes a shot of Vanilla Grey Goose we can get spritzed in the face with cheap vodka like we deserve. Also, I just want to state that these sprinkler things better not shoot wine cause that stuff stains like a mother.

GET UNDER MOTION CONTROL

These new D-box things look totally freaking sweet, as Peter from the Family Guy would say! (Isn’t Stewie hilarious!) It’s like controlling a movie theater seat to act like a roller coaster! Who doesn’t love STAR TOURS at Disneyland? It’s the ride with that lovable little Star Wars robot that shouts nerdy droid references at the audience while their chairs jerk them around like somebody buying trying to find seats for a concert at TicketMaster. Remember when those stereotypical Asian gangsters were pushing on the cop car in The Hangover? Well imagine if your seats were rocking back and forth like the guys in the car! I KNOW RIGHT?!

Let's Get Ready To Rummbmbmbmbmb...

Check out how red that chair is, it’s like a souped up Convertible after ten 5-hour energy drinks! AND a Red Bull. I think it would also be cool if those chairs could give haptic feedback like an iPhone so that you know when to laugh at the movie. Do those television shows use haptic feedback to make the audience laugh yet? Those ‘laughter’ and ‘applause’ signs are so early 2000. Why use a sign when you can use haptic feedback sensor motors?

TAKE MY TEMPERATURE

There are a number of hilarious scenes from The Hangover (Part The First… wink wink) that are dependent on temperate. After all the movie takes place in sin city! It’s a desert out there! Remember when whats-his-face-main-character-guy ends up being locked up on the roof for the WHOLE time? Homeslice is all sun burned and dehydrated and it looked wicked hot… but how wicked? We sent a man to the moon for god sakes, we ought to be able to adjust the temperature in our most cherished rooms in the country, our movie theaters, at a whim!

It's a TEMPERATURE MELTDOWN

It would be really cool if there were a scene in The Hangover 2: The Drunkening where the guys got trapped in a meat locker, but then that guy from The Office (that show is my favorite) got trapped in a rain forest, and then that guy from Community (that show is my favorite) got trapped in the hot desert sun. Every time the scene changes it would go from freezing cold so you could see your Mike and Ike rank breath, to humid and foggy with mist in your face, to scorching hot and sweaty! Now that you know what I mean, I think you can understand how our movie-going experience would be significantly improved from weather altering theaters. Significantly. Improved.

Well that’s all the ideas I can think of… for now. I’m going to go check out GI Joe in the theaters tomorrow and I’m sure to come up with a whole additional list of sweet things that movie theaters should be doing to maximize our movie watching experience. Stay tuned!